The Twenty Commandments of Dating

And the woman sojourned forth unto the mountain top and came upon a burning gardenia bush that was not consumed by the fire. And a voice cried out from the gardenia and sayeth unto her, “Take off thy Jimmy Choo three-inch strappy spiked sandals, for the ground upon which you stand is holy. And Lo! I bring thee tidings of great joy (the Voice mixed Her myth-a-phors) for unto thee I giveth the Law. No longer shall thee stumble in the presence of those who would tarry forth with thee into the Shadow of the Valley of Dating. Heed my Law before thou goest forth. And it shall free thee from the attention of idiots and scoundrels. And it shall bring you peace.”

 

And the woman sayeth unto the Gardenia Voice, “But they shall not listen. The women date all manner of men who do them dishonor. Whom shall I say sent me?”

 

And the Gardenia Voice sayeth, “Tell them ‘She Who Is’ sent thee.”

 

And the woman knelt and made an offering. She lit a Carolina Herrera scented candle, placed her Fendi bag on the altar of the Gardenia Voice and made of it a burnt offering.

She inscribed the Commandments on her Kate Spade papers and descended the mountain and went back from whence she came. And all the women gathered around to hear of the Law given to her that day from the Voice of the Gardenia.

 

The Twenty Commandments of Dating

 

I.  Thou shalt not cooketh for a man unless (or until) thou already loveth him.

 

II.  Thou shalt not goeth forth on any “pity dates.”

 

III.  Thou shalt not date a man who owneth a Recliner.

 

IV. Thou shalt not date a man who asketh thee to have a drink and then sayeth, “Your place or mine?”

 

V. Thou shalt not date a man whose gold chains setteth off the airport alarms.

 

VI.  Thou shalt not date a man who cringeth at the mention of the word “feminist.”

 

VII.  Thou shalt not date a man who telleth thee how to drive.

 

VIII.  Thou shalt not date a man who weareth a pink Izod shirt with blue and white Seersucker pants.

 

IX.  Thou shalt not goeth forth with a man who walketh on his knuckles.

 

X.  Thou shalt not date a man who loveth George Bush.

 

XI.  Thou shalt not date a man who cannot sayeth, “I’m sorry.”

 

XII. Thou shalt not date a man who thinketh that baseball is boring.

 

XIII.  Thou shalt not place thyself in the company of a man who thinketh the Dalai Lama is the President of Budapest.

 

XIV.  Thou shalt not date a man who heareth “the Voices” in his head.

 

XV.  Thou shalt not date a man who driveth a truck bigger than thy living room.

 

XVI. Thou shalt not goeth forth with a man who calleth his mother, “Mommy.”

 

XVII. Thou shalt not giveth thy phone number to a man who whistles at thee on the street and sayeth, “Oooooo, Baby, Baby.”

 

XVIII. Thou shalt cease to date a man who is jealous of thy love for thy students or thy children.

 

XIX.  Thou shalt not date a man who is a bad loser and who pouteth when thy woop his butt at pool.

 

XX.  And thou shalt not date a man who complaineth about Bob Dylan’s voice.