Dubyawood

It occurred to me today that this country has a tradition of honoring its former Presidents with Presidential libraries. Somehow though, in George Dubya Bush’s case, a library just doesn’t seem right unless the books contained within it are those most often reserved for the level of reading found in The Children’s Room. I doubt that there are enough Sendaks, Steigs, Dr. Seusses and Shel Silversteins to fill a library worthy of the status of “Presidential.” Think however, how appropriate even this might be, though first we might have to find a way to resurrect these beloved authors to write sequels to some of their most cherished stories. For example:

 

Maurice Sendak would have to write Where the Crooked Things Are. The night George wore his flight suit, and made mischief of one kind, and another, his mother called him “AWOL,” and George said, “I’ll deport you!” so he was sent to bed without reading anything. That very night, in George’s room, an oil rig grew, and grew, and grew until his ceiling hung with money and the walls became the world all around.

 

And Dr. Seuss’  Dubya Hears a Who:

 

On the fifteenth of May, in the jungle of Nool,
In the heat of the day, in the cool of the pool,
He was splashing…enjoying the Texan great joys…
When Dubya the President heard a loud noise.

So Dubya stopped splashing. He looked towards the sound.
“That’s funny,” thought Dubya. “There’s no one around.”
Then he heard it again! Just a very great yelp
As if some great god were calling for help.
“I’ll help you,” said George. “But who are you? Where?”
He looked and he looked. He could see nothing there
But a small speck of dust blowing past though the air.

“I say!” murmured Dubya. “I’ve never heard tell
Of a small speck of dust that is able to yell.
So you know what I think? Why, I think that there must
Be a God on top of that small speck of dust!
The God of the Bible of very small size,
too small to be seen by a President’s eyes…

 

No, I think a Presidential Library is out of the question.

I suggest rather, a theme park, in the manner of Dollywood.

 

Dubyawood. The attractions of Dubyawood will pay tribute to the landmark moments that characterize the Bush Presidency:

 

*Pollution Park- This will represent Dubya’s progress on the issue of the environment. All the trees will be dead or cut down to the trunk. Park goers will picnic inside a specially designed dome. Inside the dome, the temperature will be regulated to reflect the effects of Global Warming. Heat indices will hover between 110 and 120 degrees Fahrenheit but all park personnel will deny what everyone else knows. Outside the dome, the picnickers will have a wonderful view of giant smokestacks, a memorial to the de-regulation of pollutant emissions. The stream that will run aside the dome will glisten with the sludge of toxic waste, oil slicks and dead fish.

 

* Liars’ Lake- Swimmers will be convinced that there is a lake there. Eye witnesses will swear up and down that there really is a lake there. Documents will be forged by engineers who will attest to actually having made the lake there. When swimmers pass through the gates there will be no lake to be seen for miles. But in order not to appear foolish, when they leave the area they too will tell others that there really is a lake there.

 

*The Spinning Wheel- You will only be allowed to play this game if you are a friend of Dubya’s. The player will step up to the wheel and have a chance to win 1) a juicy government contract 2) a Cabinet post 3) an ambassadorship in a sweet place 4) a Supreme Court appointment 5) a week in Kennebunkport, ME 6) a week in Crawford, Texas 7) a trip on an aircraft carrier 8) a suspended sentence for a conviction of a crime

 

* The Wheel of Fortune- Contestants will solve puzzles comprised of the many “Bushisms” that he has spoken over the past seven years such as:

 

“I can only speak to myself.”

“I’m the decider.”

“Jobs will begat houses.”

“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”

“Wow! Brazil is big!”

"Nucular war." "Nucular weapons." "Nucular threat." Nucular family." (Any phrase really, that refers to NUCLEAR anything).

“I’ve got eck-a-lec-tic (reading material).”

“I’m a commander guy.”

“You got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”

“Who could have possibly envisioned an erection, uh…an election in Iraq at this point in history?”

 

OK. Enough. Needless to say, Pat Sajak will not be wanting for material.

 

* Dunk the Clowns: This fairway game will place mannequins of Rumsfeld, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Condi Rice and Ashcroft in the “dunk the clown” seat. Anyone who dunks one of the clowns will win a talking Dubya doll who will repeat one of the Bushisms mentioned above when the string on his back is pulled.

 

So, that’s my suggestion. Dubyawood.

I’m open to other ideas for rides, attractions, concession stands and fairway games. 

After all, we have a little bit of time before ground breaking needs to begin.

But not much.