Four Little Words

In addition to evil and suffering, and feminist theology, I have also been studying the dynamics of forgiveness for 15 years. I have written papers about it. I gave a presentation of a paper on it at a conference on The Cultures of Evil in January. And I have rattled off the following entry this morning in about 20 minutes so I will probably have to come back to edit it. But I feel an urgency to post it. I have to do it now, perhaps before it is ready. Because you may have this experience this morning, or this afternoon, or tonight and I want you to have read this, so that you may be on the lookout. So that you will really listen to what is happening….

I think I could count on one hand the number of times in my life men have said to me those four little words that I would long to hear, if they could only say them. And don’t misunderstand me here. I am not making some kind of sweeping generalization about “men” and “women.” I am referencing only my life; my experience. In fact, those times when men have had the humility to say them have been so atypical and rare that I remember them clearly even though one incident occurred 20 years ago. The women in my life have said them; and they say them with heartfelt sincerity and seemingly without a sense that they are giving away a piece of themselves when they say them. The four little words? Simply this, “I am so sorry.” Period.

So often when an injury is expressed or the other realizes he might have done something to piss you off, there is THE DEFENSE. Most of the time, THE DEFENSE isn’t even preceded by, “I am so sorry,” but he will go into a long explanation of his intentions, or motives. He will attempt to justify, explain away or absolve himself of guilt or offensive behavior by giving it a reason, a meaning. Often his intention will be presented as pure, as in, “I didn’t mean it,” “That’s not what I meant,” “I did it because… blah, blah, blah.”

They dig their heels in and behave as if WW III depended upon an outcome of their successful justification of their actions. THE DEFENSE is as old as The Garden of Eden. Most people think that Adam attempted to blame the woman for his eating of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. But a careful reading proves otherwise. He actually attempted to place the blame on God. “The woman that YOU gave to be with me, she gave me the fruit, and I ate.” I wonder what the outcome in the Garden might have been if Adam (and Eve) had just been able to say, “I am so sorry, God.”

THE DEFENSE does several things to the one injured. First, it immediately works to deny the hurt or injury that they are feeling. There is NO recognition of that. The rush to THE DEFENSE is so quick and knee-jerk, there is no time to see the other person and acknowledge them. It is so important to free oneself from the responsibility (which is perceived as guilt or imperfection) that the injury is then doubled. The one who is injured is placed in the secondary position of import in the relationship and so injury is multiplied…adding injury to injury.

The second dynamic is THE ATTACK. Almost immediately after THE DEFENSE, THE ATTACK comes into play. This is the ploy that points the finger at the one injured in an attempt to place the blame for their feelings on their false interpretation of the action committed. This can be done very subtly and might even include the four little words, but then the four little words are taken back, as in, “I am so sorry YOU FELT THAT WAY.” This is quite ingenious actually, because one can be duped into thinking that an apology has been issued when in fact, it is a veiled attempt at once again absolving oneself of responsibility. It wasn’t ME who got this wrong, it was YOU. But most times THE ATTACK doesn’t even include, “I am so sorry.” There is a rush to point out all the errors the one injured has made in their response, or their interpretation, or their misunderstanding of the event. “You and your feminist hermeneutic.” “You need to lighten up here, you took it too seriously.” What this ploy serves to accomplish is nothing short of victim-blaming. I am the one who has been hurt, and I am the one who is blamed for feeling it….adding insult to injury.

Another ploy is when the one who committed the injurywill tell you how you SHOULD feel. “You shouldn’t feel like that.” “You shouldn’t take it that way.” So, not only is the injury denied and the victim blamed, but there is also an attempt to dictate HOW you should feel; to make your hurt go away so that they will no longer be held accountable. Make it go away and there is no problem, right? Adding arrogance to injury.

One more tactic that is very much like THE DEFENSE are the words, “I was only kidding.” Be very wary when you hear these words. It’s like James Bond’s license to kill. “I was only kidding,” allows anyone to say anything they want about anything and get away with it. “I was only kidding,” is like one of those crumb gatherers that busboys use to pick up bread leavings from a tablecloth. It puts the offense, the insult, the bad joke out there and then attempts to wipe it all away as if the bread had never been eaten.

People really don’t seem to understand where those four little words will get them.

And saying "I am so sorry," is really not so difficult. The challenge comes with saying, "I am so sorry," and then SHUTTING UP.

They don’t understand that saying them may mean the difference between dismissing someone and acknowledging them; between diminishing them and affirming them; between apathy and neglect, and compassion.

It may mean the difference between growth in a relationship or its dissolution.

They don’t understand that they actually don’t end up winning World War III.

They don’t end up defending the wall of their perfection.

They don’t end up exonerating themselves of responsibility by attacking.

They simply end up shooting themselves in the foot because if you can recognize the strategy then you see a truth about that person; that they are intractable, stubborn, unwilling or unable to be compassionate; to really see another's pain; and that they are incapable of humility.

PS… a cautionary word to women readers. Be careful that you are not TOO quick to say the four little words, because often we say them in RESPONSE to THE DEFENSE, or THE ATTACK, or YOU SHOULDN’T FEEL THAT WAY, or I WAS ONLY KIDDING. We fall for it all. And we compound our own injury by buying into the idea that our own hurt was in fact our fault.